Search This Blog

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Blog Envy is a bitch.

I think I'm starting to develop "blog Envy". It's true. I go to many peoples blogs and am a fan of many of them. And I noticed a few differences between thiers and mine. First, they are fairly consistent in thier posts. Usually the same basic topics and writting style. Me? Not so much. I bounce around more than the popular girl at a football meeting. I think I need to narrow it down. See what I want out of my blog. Be focused.

Another thing is setup. I think I need to create my own page. Get a web designer. Make my shit look badass!!! Maybe make a game or something to keep you, the reader, entertained.

And the last thing is readers. I don't think I have many. I mean, every once in a while, I run into someone who throws out a "Hey, read your blog". Usually it's said with the "I'm cutting into an onion" face, but I'm glad they took time to stop in. But my blog has been up for many moons, and I only have TWO people subscribed! And ZERO comments. If you don't like a blog, say so. If you do like it, contribute. It can be fun! Maybe it'll inspire you to create a blog for me to ignore.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The world of Twitter.....

I've been into the online world a bit these past few years. And one of the creations that I hesitated into getting was Twitter. At first, I shunned it. Then I stuck my toe in a little to get the feel. Then I dabbled in it here and there. Now, I've embraced it for what it is...a portal to chuck out random thoughts and opinons without care. I have tweeted up to 80 times in one day. I go from fun-loving, to thoughtful, to plain ol' depressing..... Some tweets don't make any sense, even to me. Somedays I just spend responding to other people's tweets. I can't really describe what I do on Twitter. But I've thrown together a few tweets from December that have been retweeted or commented on. If you care to jump into the twitter world, and wanna see what goes on in the head of a looney, depressed, bi-polar idiot, feel free to follow me at @KeithABrockman

Oh, BTW, the whole term "follow" is creepy to me. If I were to follow you on the streets, I'd get called a creep. Why is it any different on the internet?

If I'm at your house, and I see you wipe a booger on any furnature, Don't be offended when I just get up and walk out

I know some dudes who pretend to be gay just so girls don't mind them touching thier titties in the club. Slick move, but I can't do it....

I like to walk into a crowded mens room and ask aloud "Who wants to swordfight?" To date, I have had no challengers.....

This dude is quite the nerd...his asscrack is probably calloused from all the wedgies he's had to endure....but probably will be rich by 40.

Everytime I see that Situation dude, his face reminds me of when Will Smith's charecter had an allergic reaction in the movie "Hitch

I need a job like the Transporter. Wait....that'll be called truck driving......Nevermind

It's become clear to me that I need more stripper friends.

Twitter spambots make me wanna choke life out of the human race

I like when sluts sprain their ankles on their walks of shame.....just to add pain to their lack of self-respect

Not to be crude or dramatic, but if I don't get titties in my face soon, I'm going to start questioning my own existence.....

How do porcupines fuck? They must get needle'd up!

I need to go back to Skytell pager and a roll of quarters. Life was easier those days.

Stroke of genius or a stroking genius? Hmmmm.....

Are the clouds in the sky the same ones all the time? Or do some disappear and others appear? I need a cloudologist for this....

I'm gonna see if I can drive all the way home from work in reverse.

I'd be pissed if I had an ugly child. Unless it was so ugly it was cute, then I could deal....until it was a teenager, then kick it out.

How do I incorporate a handjob into my work schedule?

You know what would be ultra-epic? A midget slumpbuster......

Do you think Big Bird ever got pissed at Oscar the Grouch, and just tipped that motherfuckers can over on him?

I see a slow day of work ahead of me....hopefully a tornado runs thru this place to shake things up a bit....

Would telling a customer to "Eat a dick and swallow the load" get me fired? If so, I might have a loooong afternoon ahead of me....

I love my lunch today....if my lunch were a person, I'd have tantric style sex with it.

Somedays, I wish one of my legs were about 5 inches shorter than the other so I'd have a natural pimp-walk.

I get TIGHT when a dude puts a smiley face in a text to me. Don't do that shit....

I think I'm gonna piss my pants just for a quick sense of warmth.....

Then to celebrate. Imma get a blow job from a penguin.

Is heroine a good pain reliever? I gotta get my tonsils taken out and searching for the best way of getting thru it.

For real, Imma keep watering my Xmas tree and see if we can keep this bitch year round.....fuck, paid good money for it!

#itsallfunandgamesuntil the doctor has to remove the hamster from your rectum

This kid in front of me has the most caveman-esque unibrow growling across his forehead, but he won't sit still long enough to sneak a pic

The room is spinning, obviously I'm not winning

There's either a rat or a homeless person trapped in my wall....

@jesus You should come thru and beat Santas ass in front of everyone to show who really owns this holiday season.

I am due for a name change. I'm tired of "Keith"

If you knew what I was listening to right now on Youtube, you would judge me in the harshest of ways........

Terms that make me wanna puke: "Going Ham", "Going Hard in the Paint", and "Hardbody".... "Swag" is steadily creeping onto the list

My roommate thinks its perfectly acceptable to throw up to make more room to finish a meal.....I beg to differ.

For the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, give a Japanese woman a pearl necklace.....USA....USA....USA!!!!

I hope Santacon is really a mass-suicide this year. Everyone attending can kill themselves......

I would seriously tongue-punch a fat girls fartbox for a bucket of KFC right fucking now!

I swear I wanna choke this old dude that works with me with his fucking phone cord.

Damn, Jets cost me $40 on their bullshit tonight......fuckers. I'm sending Sanchez an invoice for it.

If my nose is this stuffy tomorrow, I'mma light a motherfucking firecracker in it

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Women are crazy with thier games....

I now realize that women are crazy….okay, not all women, but most have to be. Over the past few nights, I was looking for tips to dating, since I’m a loser at the dating game. I asked two very attractive, smart women that have great personalities, since those are the types of girls I’m into…..and they both basically told me the same thing.

In short, they like a guy to not seem too into them at first, and make them feel ignored, because “girls like what they can’t have”….and then they said they like a guy to take control and be aggressive and make moves on them first to so solidify the “dating”. Ummm…they basically described a rapist to me. But I digress…..

My biggest concern, other than the rapist undertone of course, is how what they want/expect a guy to do are COMPLETE opposites of each other! SO, they basically left me at square one. Thanks ladies.

Let me break it down a bit. I’m the type of guy who likes to hang out with a girl, go places and get to know her, then let HER dictate if it goes any further from there. These two said that’s a bad move, you’ll fall into the dreaded “Friend Zone” , which many men have fallen into, and few, in not none, have returned……

But I feel if you come on too strong, you come off creepy and desperate. And I feel like if you hook up before really getting to know someone, you’re basing your whole relationship off of the fact that you two have sex….and sex feels better than anything, so you’d ignore that you can’t tolerate the other person, or have nothing in common, as long as at the end of the day you get sex. But the euphoria of having sex with one person wears off if you have no common bonds. That’s why divorce and cheating are high. Trust me on this one…… That’s why I’m picky about who I am with now-a-days. I’d hate to waste out time. And I’d hate to break a girl’s heart when she realizes that this ugly dude, who’s amazing in the bed ;-), is moving on due to lack of common interests and boring out-of-bed life.

But my approach is too honest. Too slow for most woman. I like to get to know them. And by then, I’m in the “Friend Zone”. And the worse part….. They say “Keith, you’re a good guy” shortly followed with something similar to “I don’t wanna ruin our friendship”. Look, if I’m ugly, I would rather you tell me I’m ugly or you don’t find me attractive. At least then I know the reason we aren’t dating…..

Maybe they feel they’d offend me if they called me ugly. Then I might not do the nice things I do for them. Makes sense, right? Damn, women are tricky…. I’m starting to realize, women play games. And they love to. They revel in the games. They complain about guys playing games, but guys are far from game players. They fall into two categories: Men who wanna fuck everything that moves, and genuine nice guys. And telling them apart is EASY AS HELL! But girls never wanna listen to me, so I’m not going to waste the keystrokes here….. Fuck you all and your games, I hope you keep running into the category one guys until you’re too old to want.

Wow, that took an ugly turn……

Monday, December 13, 2010

My roommate guest blogging

Iu have a guest blogger today. My roommate sharlene. Im sdrunk and I think keith is that man. Hes my favorite. But I don’t know how he deals with me. Because I’ve been told numerous of times that im hard to deal with and stubborn and “high maintance:

Santa who?

What’s up with this holiday season? I mean, it’s the same every year, but this year I’m especially annoyed by it. Probably because I’m being forced into the holiday spirit by my roommate….she hates me and tortures me at any opportunity. We’ve got our Xmas tree, and I begun decorating it with beer and 4Loko cans (because that’s what I do). I still don’t see the point in chopping down a tree, putting it in your house for a month, then throwing it away. I’m growing attached to the sucker, and I’m going to keep watering it and see if I can keep this motherfucker all year…..fuckit, I paid good money for it. I’m gonna get my moneys worth…….

And what’s with this Santa character? Isn’t Christmas about that Jesus fellow? Yeah, the Indian dude that America turned white….because in the part of the world he was supposed to born in is filled with NOTHING but camel-jockeys! Who doesn’t realize this? Yes, I said it….the man you call Jesus would have a hard time getting through the airport, and make you uncomfortable on the plane. Fucking American religious assholes…..

So, in my opinion, yesterday should have been Jesuscon in NYC, and everyone should have dressed up as him instead. THAT would have been the correct holiday spirit. Me? I’d have dressed up like the Grinch and used a paintball gun on them suckas to bring my own little Christmastime joy. I don’t need a reason to get hammered. And I sure as hell don’t have to dress up like a fat old pedophile to do so either.

Sluts make me wanna vomit

People that have known me for a while know that I have a great deal of disgust towards sluts. I joke about it from time to time, but in reality, I have a deep-rooted hatred for them. I have for a long time. It’s quizzical how I’ve become to loathe them so much. I’ve had many female friends in my day, and the ones that become sluts lose respect from everyone. Friends, family, future boyfriends…… They don’t realize it because everyone is quiet about it, trying to be nice, but they are talked about behind their backs. Guys are friendly towards them because they are easy conquests, not because they have kick-ass personalities. If a dude one-night stands a girl, you better believe he’s telling EVERYBODY about it in detail. And from there, you’re open game for any dude that caught wind of your easiness. That’s why most sluts are “popular” and get invited to any event alcohol is at. Dudes know that makes most of the challenge taken up already, and if cards are played right, easy lay.

I think of it this way, partners to a chick is like miles on a car. Sure you got a new car, but if it has 100,000 miles on it, it’s gonna be all broken down and used up. But if you have an older car with less miles, that’s a keeper! And what do I constitute as a slut? Well, I usually go by this: Partners > Age = slut. So if you’re 22 and slept with 22+ dudes, you really need to get yourself checked…… Most people don’t start having sex until 15ish, so that’s 15 freebies that you can sprinkle throughout the years. Most use them up in their college years….

It’s crazy how delusional sluts are too. I mean, are you really that in need of love? What’s wrong with finding one guy to be with? Why lower your value by doing that to yourself? Because, believe me, no one wants to marry a slut. They might date you for a while, hoping to focus on the present and future, but the mans ego will take over, and the thought of “how many men have been in my girl” or “how can I trust a slut” will creep into the back of their heads. Next thing you know, they are scrambling for a good excuse to let the slut go without hurting her feelings. Last thing a dude wants is some drunken guy at the local bar yelling about how he “nailed your girl” one night without having to work for it. I’ve seen it happen, and it’s ugly…..

Yes, I can hear it now. The dreaded “double-standard”. I get that all the time, “why is it when a guy fucks a bunch of chicks, he’s a stud. But a girl does the same and she’s a whore?” Well, that’s explained simple as this. Women are in full control of sex. The whens, wheres and even hows. A man cannot just go out and fuck when and whoever he’d like. A man has to work for it. A man has to have the right look, personality, and approach. A woman? Just has to ask. If a woman goes out and asks 10 single men (or even married) if they’d like to have sex, at least 9 would say “yes”. A man can do the same, and get shot down by 9….and the slut would say yes, of course. Because I’m beginning to realize there is at least ONE slut to every 10 women. And, unfortunately, those numbers are growing steadily. More and more sluts roam the Earth each and every year. Each generation is sluttier than the previous…..Plus, women LET men get away with it. Women will still actively try and be with a man that they know gets around, while guys only look to bang and ditch girls that get around……

And what kills me, literally drives me insane, is when a girl with GREAT qualities becomes a slut. A beautiful girl with great personality can have any man she desires, but slums down to the slut-world for attention. Like, what the fuck is wrong with these women? You have ALL these great qualities, and you ruin it for some one-night stands and booty calls. Go out and get yourself a good man, make him work for it to prove he’s in it for you and not just the sex. Make yourself a better person! You’ll be happier that way.

I know that I cannot change a slut. I’m beginning to believe that once a slut, always a slut….. I don’t know if slutdom is cureable. Once you’re a member of the slut community, you stay. I wish it weren’t that way. But I fear it is.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Who brings a dead deer in for service?

So, some filthy redneck motherfucker decided to bring their car in for service at the car dealership that makes me work for slave-wages. The reason I call the motherfucker a redneck? Because the motherfucker had a dead deer chilling in his backseat. Yes, you read that correctly, a DEAD motherfucking deer in his back seat!!!! WHO DOES THAT? A motherfucking redneck, that’s who. Now, I know I’ve dropped quite a few MF bombs so far in this blog, and that’s because, when it happened, that’s exactly what I was doing…..dropping a bunch of MF bombs. It’s crazy to think someone would do that. How do you not drop that shit off before your oil change? What part of that person’s brain thought that it would be alright to roll through with the carcass of a dead animal just chilling, dead eyes staring, in the backseat? It was morbid to say the least….

Seriously, I’ve seen some disgusting things in my day. A person crushed by a helicopter, someone puking on another person, fat chicks nekkid during the day…… but nothing was as disgusting and unexplainable as this. At first, I didn’t think it was real. I thought that it may be a Christmas decoration for a Santa display or something….but it wasn’t. One of my co-workers poked it…..with his finger. Ugggghhhhh………

I’m just saying, when you bring your car in for service, be aware of what you have in your vehicle, because I will judge you by it. And this dude is a motherfucking REDNECK!!!!!!

Oh, and here's a few pics taken of the poor bastard in the backseat....just so you know I'm not making this shit up for entertainment purposes......

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Grope-gate 2010

Am I the only one that WANTS to travel via air now-a-days? Since this whole TSA grope-gate thing has hit the news, I’ve wanted to go to LaGuardia Airport for a pat-down complete with a happy ending. The pics they have been releasing have been hilarious! TSA agents all in the asses of poor travelers. And the look of uncomfortable painted all over the victims faces. They all look like they are going to go cry in a shower after such an intrusive pat-down.

This is one of those cases that I can argue both sides of the fence. I mean, if the pat downs weren’t so in-depth, and a plane blew up, then TSA would hear from everyone how they should be stricter and check people more thoroughly. But then on the other side, a little privacy is needed. I mean, we are in the USA where people have rights. And these TSA agents are getting in places that only your doctor or lover usually goes.

I personally can’t book a flight soon enough! I need my nuts juggled by someone soon. I might just go to the airport with those break away warm-up pants, and rip those badboys off when I get up there. I need someone to be behind me with a porn soundtrack blaring from an Ipod with speakers or something to get the full effect of it. Get my little pre-groping dance going…. Would that embarrass the TSA people? Maybe. But it’ll be more than worth it. I’d be standing there, nuts swinging, waiting for my exam.

A guy I work with said that they should limit their searches to just Arabs. As if the Arabs cannot recuit other races to strap bombs to themselves. Anything is possible. My whole thing is this. If they really want to bring a plane down, they will find a way, no matter what measures we take. It’s unfortunate, but true. Like drugs, we have numerous measures taken to secure the borders and sniff them out, but the bad guys always find a way. I have no answer to terrorism, and I doubt anyone does. It’s a part of life now. Unless we send Special Ops in and systematically snipe every single one of these motherfuckers, it’s going to be around until the end of times.

So, until then, we must endure some groping and nut juggling and enjoy it. Have fun with it while you can, because soon the airports are going to start charging more for the handjobs the TSA guys are handing out…….

Keith Smash....

It has come to my attention that I’m evil as hell when I’m mad at someone. Now, don’t get me wrong, it takes A LOT for me to get mad. I’m usually light-hearted and fun. I don’t stress about money and all the other small things in life. Most things in life I can laugh off or ignore. But when something finally hits a nerve….watch the fuck out!

I felt like I kinda had this problem a while back. But didn’t realize to what degree this anger was. Someone once described it as a Banner to Hulk type transformation, without the smashing and army tanks being thrown, of course. I, for some reason, can shut someone out completely. And my only issue is, the closer the person is to me, the more I shut them out. Weird, right? I once avoided any contact with my own mother for over a month over something I felt was a breach in our trust. It was really fucked up. I understand that after the fact, but during, you couldn’t tell me nothing.

And sometimes, I don’t even have to be directly involved in the situation. If I feel like someone is fucking over someone close to me, I get the same way towards them, like it’s some sort of emotional conductive passing what should be their anger to me. Is that crazy? It has to be. And if the person close to me keeps letting it happen, I act like it’s some sort of betrayal. Like I’m disappointed at them…..

I know a lot of this stems from two things. My loyalty, which is a downfall of mine, I’ve been too loyal to a fault. And, of course, my stubbornness, which is ANOTHER downfall of mine. And combined, can be explosive. But I suppose the first step towards fixing a problem is recognizing the problem. And now that I’ve have it narrowed down, it’s time to patch it up…..before I rip someone’s motherfucking arms off and beat them to death with them……..

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What's a "Best Friend"?

What’s with everyone’s need to declare someone else their “best friend”? I’m sick of hearing it. Especially, when one person introduces multiple people as their best friend. How can you have more than one BEST friend? Only one can be THE best, right? You don’t see the 2nd or 3rd best of anything declaring themselves the best, do you? Ok, I guess I can throw in an exception. If you are a group of say 3 or 4 that are ALWAYS together, I can get it. But I’ve been called someones “best” friend, then hear them introduce someone else as their “best” friends as well. Fuck you with your false build me up!!

It’s even worse when I hear someone talk about their best friend and find out that they haven’t talked to that person in months, or even years sometimes. How can that be? Do they automatically claim the title forever? Can you be “Grandfather claused” into bestfriendhood? It’s as if you don’t realize that people change. People grow apart. You don’t even hang out with your best friend? Why not? Could it be that you have NOTHING in common? And they only care about you from a distance because they can’t tolerate you in person any longer? Sure, a text here, a phone call there can fill the quota to maintain the top dog staus on someone’s friend list.

Me? I have no best friend. I don’t feel like any one person I know stands out from the pack….as small as said pack may be. If something big happens in my life, the only place I can share it is on Facebook to 150 or so people that couldn’t care any less. There’s not one number on my phone, save my mom perhaps, that I can call. Why? Because I don’t think I know someone well enough to be THAT person. And I know damn well know one knows me enough to declare me that person.

Sure, once upon a time, I had a best friend. I prefer the term “closest friend”. We were tight for 20 plus years. I’m the Godfather of his daughter….whom I haven’t seen in many, many years. But I cannot say that, on this day, he’s my top friend. Shit, I have only spoken to him once in 4 years. And I was in NY for almost a year before he called saying “Yo, I just heard you moved to NY”. I would still do anything for the dude, but I’m that way for any of my friends. I’m just loyal to a fault in that way. But, if asked, I couldn’t continue to put the “Best Friend” title on it.

And you know another thing about the whole “Best Friend” thing? The term BFF. Ugh….. it really makes me want to punch a baby every time I hear it. And I’ve heard dudes use the term, which makes me want to tear up their “man card” right in front of them, and their disgraced parents…….

So, what in your mind would make you consider someone your best? I’d like to hear from you…..the one or two readers. Debate.

Monday, November 15, 2010

No direction....

Another day, another blog. I finally got around to reading my previous blogs, and I realize that my blog site has not rhyme or reason to it. It’s just random. Some funny, and some are not. Different topics, or sometimes just ramblings. But that’s what you get when you have someone writing off the top of their heads with little to no proofreading. I have thought about becoming serious about blogging a few years back. But I don’t have the patience to sit and narrow myself into one category. That, in my mind, is not what blogging it about. I just sit with an open page and begin typing. Whatever comes out, is exactly what you read before you. My page isn’t for everybody. I just do this to vent, really. It helps me ease my mind. I don’t really talk to people on a personal level off-line, so I get it out online. Why don’t I? Because, who cares?

Every once in a while someone will catch me off guard with a personal question, or ask my opinion on a serious matter, and I don’t know how to respond. It doesn’t happen often enough for me to be used to. So I usually reply with a half-assed, sarcastic remark and hope it passes as an answer in the mind of the person asking. For example, someone asked me to describe my “perfect woman”. Ok, I know all the qualities I would like in a woman, but to describe my “perfect woman” is difficult. Are we talking physical features? Well, if I say brunette, does that mean I wouldn’t date a blond? Well, how about personality traits? That’s a tough one too, because I prefer a woman that can tolerate sports and have fun at events, but it’s not a deal breaker. So to answer the question, I just blabbed out some dumb shit in hopes that it passes and we can move on to the next topic. I usually answer with the ol’ “boobs and a heartbeat” requirements, and end it at that. And if they press on, I add “no penis too”. Because, in my mind, a perfect woman would start with those traits…….

So, the point of this rambling here is this, what would you, my only reader, want me to blog about? Is there any topic that you’d like to read my thoughts on? Would you like more structure to this piece of shit site? You let me know……

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Life is good...greed? Not so much.....

Life is awesome. Everything about it is awesome. The sights, the smells, the feel….. I mean, what’s not to like? The only people that don’t love life are the ones consumed by greed. Greed is the biggest nemesis of happiness. If it’s a material greed, such as not having the nicest home, best car, jealous of someone else’s possessions. Or an emotional greed, such as someone not agreeing with you, feeling ignored, or you’re poor little ego is hurt. Toughen up fuckers. Be glad you’re alive. You can change most of your outcomes…..other than death, really.

Look at life at the largest scale. What is ruining the world? Greed. People at war over oil, due to the money behind it, and power it holds. I’m sure that the world generates more than enough natural resources that every nation can ration it out and there not be a problem. For example, this past summer, BP dropped MILLIONS of gallons of oil into the ocean, not from the Middle East, but from right off our own fucking shore. We don’t NEED the Middle East oil….we just WANT it. We want control of it. For power….. greed.

Others war over religion. That’s emotional type greed to me. Who gives a fuck if someone else doesn’t believe in your made-up philosophies and Gods? We’re all going to die eventually, so live YOUR life the way YOU deem best. Stop worrying about if someone else agrees with your every belief. I swear, these bible thumpers piss me off more and more each time they push their “Where are you going to go when you die?” bullshit on me. How am I to answer that? I don’t fucking know. NOBODY knows. There is no right or wrong about it, just a big question mark. So stop trying to change everyone’s views to match yours for your own self-satisfaction….

Now, in everyday life, I see people getting bent all out of shape with some simple shit. Like, I don’t have this car….I don’t have this home…..I don’t have this man/woman…..and its sick. Are you serious? That makes you so miserable? How? Ok, I can see being a little sad or upset for a minute. Shit, we’re all humans. But I see some people straight up HATING life over simple shit. Unless someone close to you died or is extremely sick, get over that shit. Seriously. It’s not worth spoiling all the good that’s going on over it.

You have the ability to make your life the way you want it, yet spend time dwelling on your have-nots. Enjoy what you do have! I haven’t made the best life decisions. I’ll tell you that all day. But I am happy. I feel the choices I made enabled me to have the people I have in my life here, enjoyed the laughs that I had with people that I haven’t have met otherwise. I’ve been able to see things that I otherwise wouldn’t have seen, done things I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to do. I’m pretty sure that I could have been rich by now had I made some different choices. As a matter of fact, I KNOW this. I’ve blown opportunities. But you know what? I am not 100% sure I would have been as happy had I gone those routes. I can’t say either way. I did what I did, and what’s done is done.

Basically, what I’m saying is love life, no matter the circumstances you’ve put yourself in. If you lost your legs, be glad you don’t have to stand in lines….if you lost your sight, be glad you don’t have to see my ugly mug. Just make the best out of every situation. Stop letting your materialistic and emotional greed hold you back from seeing what is great….life.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Can Jersey's whole Shore just wash away?

Fuck the whole Jersey Shore phenomenon. Seriously. It’s part of what’s wrong with our country. We give shine to tools and idiots. And we suppress those that have things important and worthwhile to say. Ever since this show was puked upon our televisions, I was perplexed as to why people liked it. I refused to even give it a shot. And up until recently, the only part I’ve ever seen was when the character Snooki got a well deserved punch to her orange pumpkin-like head.

I asked a few people why they liked it. The best answer I got was from these two black dudes I work with who love the show. They said “We like it because they are the n***as of the white people. And we don’t see enough of that”. I can’t argue why they like it….. We, as people, are drawn to train wrecks. And even more so if the people wrecked are those we prey to see fall. Like, I hate guidos and tools. And that show is chock-full of nothing but them. They are disgusting and vile. Fuck you, your orange tans and your spiked hair. Ass clowns…..

But the route of my hatred for them dives even deeper than that. I hate when people become popular and rich off being completely worthless. Like, what do they contribute to the world? They have ZERO talent. They aren’t funny. They aren’t creative. They are rich off of NOTHING! They bring less to the table than a bag full of shit. At least a bag full of shit can be used as fertilizer…..

That’s something that irritates me to the max. That is why I loath most reality shows. They encourage people to suck at life. They give money and fame to the undeserving. I run into struggling, yet much funnier, talented, and creative people in my everyday life than most of these “reality” stars. And what sucks is that the masses eat that shit up! Why? I actually say down and watched an episode finally….not by choice. My roommate is one of the masses consumed by this turd of a show. And you know what? The show was not funny…amusing…thought provoking….interesting. Nothing. It was a house full of dickheads arguing and fighting over nothing. I can get that anywhere. I don’t need to tune in and make them rich from it.

And how does someone like Snooki get on the show? She’s one of the most disgusting looking and acting people to grace the Earth. She’s a square pumpkin, with about as much brains as one too….. I honestly throw up on the inside a little everytime she is shown on tv. And what’s up with her mouth? I would rather watch brain surgery than watch her speak. It’s just not right……

I just cannot wait for their 15 minutes are up and they go the way of Tom Green…….

I need a check up.....

I need to see a doctor. I haven’t been to one for a check up in a good 10 years. Not that I’m scared of them. It’s more about a time/money thing. Well, before it was a time thing. But this year, I’ve been paying for health coverage. I’d like to say it’s a time thing….but I sit here today like I have many other days with plenty of time. So, really, I have NO idea why I don’t go. Even when I’m sick, I don’t go. A few weeks ago, I legit thought my roommate poisoned me on purpose to be funny….because her hate for me would allow me to believe something like that to be true, I STILL didn’t go. I would have rather suffer and die than go. Ends up, she didn’t poison me. But still, what prevented a simple visit? Just a “Yo, what’s wrong with me, doc?” visit would have been quick and painless. Well, less painless than what I was in due to the illness.

I think it’s the inconvenience of it all that drives me away. Like, you can call up, set a time and date, get there on time, and you’d still have to wait……. Ok, it wasn’t like I showed up out of the blue. You expected me here at this exact time! How am I waiting up to 45 minutes? It’s bullshit! Or another great one is when you are hurting and they don’t have an opening for another 4 days or so…. Ok, push back on of these old farts that you give a routine ass exam to every other week and get me in there, doc!!!

The worse is the whole “referral” process. Like, your ass is bleeding. You know your ass is bleeding and you need to see an ass doctor. But in order to see the ass doctor, you must first see your regular “all-i-can-do-is-take-your-temp-and-give-you-asprin” doctor first. Then THEY have to give you permission to see the ass doctor that you knew from the beginning you needed to see. Why? Let me cut out the middleman! This process can take up to a week. And if your ass is bleeding, you don’t really have a comfortable week to give!

So, until I can deal with the run around and hassle…..or someone finds me dying in a ditch somewhere. I’ll just keep going to Dr. CVS and medicate from there.

That’s Just the Kind of Place This is

So, I moved into a new place. No longer am I banished to a window-less, basement studio apartment in the middle of Long Island. I now reside in a second floor, large 2 bedroom apartment in Queens. There are huge differences. I now have a roommate. I now have to find parking. I am close to the subway which is a few short stops from Times Square. Everything is walking distance. It’s like a whole new world than before.

Living with a roommate is something I haven’t really done since my military days. So that takes some getting used to. I have a female roommate, which is also strange to some. Of course when people find out my roommate is a girl, I get the same two questions: Is she hot? And have you “hit it”? I have no idea how either of those questions matter in the life of the person asking. I always have the same answer. “Yes, she is very hot. And no, I have not slept with her”. And I’d like to say it’s just dudes asking, but it’s any and everybody. I guess it’s in human nature to be curious.

I’ve at least known the roommate for a few years before moving in, so it wasn’t like I moved in with a complete stranger. That is usually weird. I at least knew the person that will co-exist in my world. Although it is much different than I thought it would be. When I first moved, I figured it would be one of those “I barely even see that other person” type deals. But we hang out all the time. Like imagine dating someone, but with a stunt-cock that comes over to handle the “intimate” parts. Fuck it, I get to enjoy the cooking, which, in my mind, is a win for me! She hates me and thinks I’m a disgusting creep (who can blame her?) but we have a good time. At least I think so…. I’ve blown off hanging with chicks I have a chance of hooking up with just to hang with the roomie…. Who’d have thought? Ahhh well……

My greatest concern when moving to Queens was the parking. Parking out in Long Island was easy. There was always a spot right in front of my place. No worries. Now, it’s a gamble. Having a nice spot has factored in my “Am I going anywhere” decisions. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be, I’ve only had to park off my street about once a week ….and that was like the next street over. But I was ticketed twice my first week….I had to learn somehow. I have piss balloons on stand by for the next time I get a ticket though…..

Our apartment is not for the faint of heart though. It looks nice. The roommate put enough of a “woman’s touch” on it to make it look respectable. But, honestly, leave your dignity at the door. We have a blow up doll named Lola that chills with beads around her neck. Panties hanging from a ceiling fan. A frat house type of refrigerator. A holder of suspect brownies…..let’s just say, tread carefully in our domain. It’s not a place for the easily offended. Weird shit has happened here and will probably continue to, especially if you take into account our combined love of FourLoko. And the only explanation we can give is “That’s just the kind of place this is”. I can’t get into details due to our “Fight Club/Las Vegas” type of code. But the place is fun. That much we can tell you.

I'm back....and winter is too.....

I’m baaaaack!!!!

I just saw that my last blog was August 5th. Damn….that was a while ago. But I noticed no ones been here, so it really doesn’t matter, right? If a blog is up, and no one reads it….does it really exist? Anyways, so much has changed, yet has been the same since my last blog. I’m still single and ugly as fuck, but my location has changed. I brought my ugliness closer to NYC. But I’ll get into that in another blog…..

So, today is the first day that I recognize winter. Why is that? Fucking snow…..yes, it’s arrived. Only flurries in my area, but areas close by already has the angels dandruff sprinkled upon the streets. I like having seasons and all, but I hate having to drive to work in the snow. That is my only beef with it really. Some people crawl along the highway at 20mph….then others buzz by going 80, spin out of control, and their accident, while deserved, hold people up even longer. People need to learn how to just drive in the weather. Other than that, it’s not bad. I like to stay hibernated up, warm, in the home watching movies drinking soul warming alcohol while the snow lays a thick blanket on the homeless and less fortunate…….

The only glitch in my previous statement is how cold my apartment is. It’s a decent size spot, so it’s airy. And we have plenty of windows….and no control of the heat. My landlord said something about keeping it about 72, but I think he has dyslexia. It feels like it’s a nut-shriveling 27 degrees in this bitch. This isn’t going to do. I would spring for a space heater, but my roommate would rip my head off if she caught me with it….yeah, I’m on some prison shit here sometimes… Maybe I’ll sneak one in….

Maybe to off-set the coldness, I’ll just up my alcohol intake.

What’s going to suck is when I have to shovel my car out. That’s something I dread. Especially around these here parts. I know parking is going to be a bitch too. When you have on-street parking, and it snows, people just dig enough for their car to get out. That leaves huge snow mounds between cars, and eventually you lose like 10 parking spots per street due to snow mounds. It’s becoming clear to me that I need to invest in a monster truck……

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Hip Hop Hooray!!!!

Well, if you know ANYTHING about me at all, you know that I love music more than just about anything else on this planet. Although I listen to everything from Rock to Country, my heart belongs to hip-hop. I grew up listening to hip-hop and can have hip-hop conversations for days without once being bored. Just something about it really pulls me towards it. SO this past week when my boy, Kevin, at work asked if I was down to see a FREE show in Brooklyn featuring Slick Rick, Salt N Pepa, and Naughty by Nature.....I was all about it. I grew up on these acts. I remember being a toddler and hearing my aunt play Salt n Pepa. I remember being in 10 years old when someone introduced me to the overlapping rhyme style of Slick Rick. And I remember vividly having arguments in 8th grade about who was going to be bigger, Naughty by Nature of MC Hammer. So, seeing this concert was no doubt on my "to do" list.

So Monday rolls around. It's the day of the concert. It starts at 7, so we gotta be there by 5. And of course, anytime I have to do anything after chilling at home for a while, I get that "do I REALLY wanna go" feeling. But then the "you'll be sorry if you don't" feeling trumped it quickly. I get in my car and head to Flatbush to meet up with Kevin. I had a feeling that being lily white, I needed to at least be with my sponsor to roll into a park in mid-BK.

We get there, and find great seats dead center, near the back. We didn't feel like standing for 4 hours, so this was working out great. This park quickly packed in at least 5,000 people. Blunts being rolled and smoked everywhere. People having a great time. This is what I love about hip-hop. We passed the pre-show time playing "spot the honky". We got up to 12. I know knew how Kevin felt when we drag him out to Long Island. Especially when a former Black Panther got up onstage to go on his "Hate whitey" rant. Which, honestly, does more bad than good. Most people are trying to get past all that terrible race tension and you have your certain individuals trying to rile people up. Let's stop putting blame to one another and work together to make the world a better place. Ok, enough with the "give peace a chance" segment. But for real.....racism is ugly. We know it's still around, but c'mon, let's work on improving it.

So the show finally got started at about 8:10pm. Slick Rick lead it off with classic after classic. His stage presence wasn't all that great. But to hear the crowd rap word for word every song was incredible.

After his set. Naughty by Nature took the stage. These. Dudes. RIPPED IT!!!!! Their energy was phenomenal! People were going nuts. Rapping along. These dudes rolled out every single hot song they had with the passion and energy of young dudes trying to get put on. It was spine-tingling. I'm a huge fan of this group. So seeing them put on the show they did just made my year. I hope to catch them perform again.

After Naughty by Nature, we decided to split to beat the crowd instead of the Salt n Pepa performance. I mean, two dudes can't really get into "Whatta Man" and "Shoop" too tough in this setting. We instead searched Flatbush for some Caribbean food and Kevin took me for a small tour of his hood. We eventually found a spot, and had some of the BEST jerk chicken and rice I have ever had. I'm actually wanting some as I type this. Yummmm.....

Thursday, July 29, 2010

It'll never be the same again.....

Do you ever sit and think about the past? Stupid question, everybody does. I do more often than not. I think about how great things once were when I lived care-free. I think about the key decisions in my life and what I would change. I think about girls I should have dated and people I should have hung out with. All types of things cross my mind. But you know what? It gets depressing sometimes. I realize I will never play football again. I realize I will not be rich by 30. I realize that summers of lounging around and exploring the town with friends will never happen again....or at least not until we're all 80 and retired. But then we'll take forever with our walkers and oxygen tanks and such.

My life has changed drastically since then. Shit, I don't even hang out with, or even talk to anyone from my old crew. I only talk to one, sometimes two people that I even went to High School with on a semi-regular basis. There are many reasons for this. Me moving is one. Them having families, and me being the single guy is another. And my being a complete dick is probably yet another.

I sometimes go back home to visit. And I like seeing how most people have moved on. They have jobs and families. They are out doing well. But what is disturbing is the ones that haven't moved on. They are still stuck on some High School bullshit. Fighting, selling drugs, having babies to cash in from the government....just that petty immature shit. You see, I think about the past, but live in the present. These few are stuck in the past. It's a bit disheartening. At some point, you just have to realize, it's never going to be the same, and you have to grow as a person. Mature. Have responsibilities. Teach your children to live a better life than yourself. If everyone raised their kids to be better than them, the world would be better off. Instead, they teach them to be their little twins. And that just means a shithead is breeding another shithead. And usually the offspring shithead out-shitheads the former. And the cycle continues......

I know, this blog has taken a turn for the worse. Maybe I should start writing out blogs before posting instead of free-flowing thoughts. But then I just don't feel you'd get the real me. haha

But anyways, let me just wrap this up by saying this: You must grow as a person. The past is great, but that's what it is "the past", you can't change that. But what you can change is the future. Think about that every once in a while.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

My so-called social disorder.

I admit, I do have a weird social disorder. I don't really talk to many people and tend to keep to myself. But as soon as I'm comfortable with you, you'd think I never shut up. I guess it's common. But I'm not 100% sure. I know that if I haven't talked to someone for over a year, and see them out in the streets, I won't say anything to them unless they say something first. That can't be common, right?

And another thing I hate is talking on the phone. Something about it just seems like a task to me. Plus, if we're talking and you aren't physically in front of me, I get distracted, and don't listen. And I have a hard time hearing on the phone as is. Usually I just do the "uh huh"...."yup"...."that's cool" thing until the person on the other end notices I don't give a shit and ends the call.

But in case you were wondering, my preference goes as follows..... 1. Regular mail... 2. Email ...... 3. Instant msg ....4. Text msg ....... 5. smoke signals......6. Post-It....... 7. In person ........ 8. Sky writing. And then....if need be..... phone calling

The ONLY people I really talk to on the phone are 1. My mom (because she birthed my ugly ass) and 2. Whoever I'm dating (because if I am allowed to touch your bewbs....then I can talk to you on the phone) ....and the list ends there.

The century mark!!!!

So, we are now 100 days in since the oil spill began. 180,000,000 gallons of oil swimming around the Gulf of Mexico. Once clear, blue water is now caked with a disgusting sludge that is killing wildlife as it spreads miles and miles wide. It's like that movie "The Blob" has come to true, and is sucking the life out of the Gulf. Where is Aquaman when you need him? We all laughed at that comic hero, but he could have come in handy this time around.

I guess we should at least be thankful that the spill has been capped for now. I mean, it only took them forever. What took so long? Why did they not have a cut-off valve? Or some type of back up plan in case something like this happened? Did they not have the fore site? The damages are going to take years to fix. A quarter-million birds have died, and countless fish infected. For what? Because BP didn't want to have strict regulations on their drill? I believe humans are just cocky and selfish by nature. We are going to war with other countries for something we let spill all over our own waters. Gas prices are already insane, and I don't see this helping.

But another thing is, even after the clean up is done, then what? Do they stop off-shore drilling? Well, if they do that, many people along the coast are going to lose their jobs. That's their livelihood. What then? Honestly, Louisiana can't catch a break. The only good things that happened out of there in the last 10 years seems to be one Super Bowl win and TrueBlood. Other than that, God seems to hate them. Maybe it's payback for delivering us Silkk the Shocker and No Limit in the 90's. I guess paybacks a bitch, huh?

Well, I guess we just gotta hope they can clean that area up as soon as possible and put the whole episode behind us. Keep the off-shore drilling, but tighten up the regulations and saftey features. As much as we want to, we can't "Ban B.P", I have, but the people that are employed in the company shouldn't have to suffer lost jobs for the lack of intellegence of thier bosses and CEO.

But everytime I go to BP, I will be pissing all over thier restroom. I gotta do something to make me feel better.

New aged dating.

Dating has changed over the years. It used to be that a person would ask another person they had interest in out for an event. May it be the basic dinner and a movie, or something else more outside the box and entertaining. From there, they would assess their feelings or interest in one another, and either end the courtship, or continue more into the dating world and getting to know more about each other.

Some people still do it that way, very rarely it seems, but it does happen. But more often now-a-days, it seems more likely that people will meet while drinking, have sex, and if they notice a pattern of having sex with the same person more often, and sometimes exclusively, they are considered “dating”. People really have lost touch of getting to know one another on a mental level, and just couple up purely thru physical and sexual attraction….. and sometimes out of fear of being alone. I’m starting to believe this is one of the causes of unhappy relationships and shorter marriages. People are becoming more impulsive on their mating decision, therefore, they know next to nothing of what the other person is like.

That, in turn, makes the people in the relationship more selfish. Each person basically doing their own thing and what makes them happy without regard of the other person, until they want to “get some ass”. They don’t know enough about the other person to really have a lot in common. At the beginning, both parties may bend a little here or there because they feel that’s what is expected of them and so that the sex continues. But as time goes on, and people reveal their true selves, they get tired of putting up the front, and become discouraged.

And then what? You both are unhappy. Don't want to be near each other, but for some reason, cannot "break it off". Whether it's because you have altered your living conditions so that you cannot afford to leave each other, have kids, or what have you. Then eventually someone (or both) cheats. I happens. They find the grass to be greener, and that hook up is found the same exact way the previous one was, so the cycle continues.

But sometimes, one of the two really want to get to know thier partner. Invest time in the partnership. But unless both are feeling the same way, it ends up being a futile task. And that's when people end up broken hearted. One person is there for the convience of the relationship, and one is there because they truely want the relationship. But I will have to get into that another time.....

I'm just saying. If you are serious about wanting to find someone to be with. Really get to know that person. Learn about them. Take your time. Yes, I know, life is short. But that's the point. It's too short to waste months and years and emotion on the wrong person.

Racism vs. Stereotyping

I know this topic is probably going to heat some people up, but I am tired of hearing the same old bullshit time and time again on TV, radio, and in person. People seemed to have forgotten the meaning of racist, and hide behind that word any time they are offended. Personally, I think racism is disgusting and cannot tolerate it. But on the other hand….I think stereotypes are hilarious!!!

What’s not to love about stereotypes? Most of them have no merit at all, they are just funny to say. Like saying Irish people are always drunk, or that English people smell bad and have rotted teeth. Ok…..maybe a little merit. But it’s not like that across the board, and anyone with half a wit would know this.

What brought this rant on were multiple things actually. So it wasn’t just a one time thing, and I decided I have to blog or whatever. But first, let me ask you this; is it racist when a person of color says “White people can’t dance”? Noooooooo… isn’t. That is a stereotype. I’m sure they don’t hate the white person that is attempting the running man out on the dance floor. They might hate having to have that image branded into their minds, but they don’t hate the person. Then why do people scream racist when you insist black people like chicken or Mexicans like tacos? That isn’t racist at all. Racism is having hatred for a person due to their ethnicity. I do not hate a Mexican if he likes to indulge in burritos 4 or 5 times a day, or if the line at a KFC in the Bronx is mostly African-Americans. I just snicker at how sometimes the stereotype rings true to some, and keep it moving.

True, some people get their feelings hurt over a simple stereotype. I know a few Asians that hate the “You got a small cock” jokes. And I know a few Jewish dudes that aren’t too fond of the “You cheap bastard” blasts. But it’s all in fun. It’s not done in hate. Hell, you can make fun of white dudes all damn day, as long as hate isn’t behind the words, who cares?!?! If you don’t like the stereotype, you as a community have to change that. Mexicans need to stop taking landscaping jobs…….Jewish guys have to go on massive spending sprees……Russians have to ban vodka….rednecks need to get their peckers out of their sisters…..and so on.

Oh, and you can’t pick and choose your stereotypes either! If you are black and going around basking in the “big dick” stereotype, then you have to be able to shoulder a few negative ones too! That’s only fair, right? Shit, us white guys have to deal with being the “nerdy” race most of the time. How many movies portray the black guys teaching the white guys how to be “cool”? C’mon!!! That shit is hilarious, but I don’t take offense to it. We all know that Vanilla Ice was as cool as it gets.

I know that the media is to blame for most of this. They blow any little thing out of proportion just to make news on slow days. But they don’t realize that it’s corrupting our people into thinking people hate them over some bullshit. Are some words and symbols racist? Yes. The whole “burning cross” thing was done with hate as its intent. So you can’t just start doing that and think it’s funny. It’s not. There is a line.

But jokes are jokes, and people need to lighten up. I am just fortunate enough to work with dudes that understand jokes, and can dish as well as take them. I hope that more and more people can see the difference. Joking is something that bonds people and brings them closer. Honestly, do you hate someone that you joke around with on a regular basis?

Mr. Keith's Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves:

People that know me know that I have many weird pet peeves. Some common, some….well, they are very specific to me I suppose.

-People who say “I could care less” instead of “I couldn’t care less”. Dummy, if you COULD care less that means there is still room of not caring left.

-Shopping carts left all over the parking lot. This bothers me on so many levels. First, it proves that we, as people, are lazy and selfish. Once you are done with the cart, you couldn’t care less where you put it. Just leaving it sprawled all over the lot. The winds push them into other cars, scratching them. Second is when I pull in, thinking I got a sweet spot, just to find out at the last second I have to get out of my car to move some lazy bastards fucking cart out of my way just to pull in. Put your fucking cart back where you found it! It’s common courtesy.

-People that leave too much space between them and the car in front of them at a stop light. Yes, I know petty, right? But some people leave enough space to where I can literally parallel park in-between them! And it really ticks me off when it happens when I’m trying to make a right turn into a street and they are blocking it when they have PLENTY of room to move up and let me make my turn.

-Racism. I hate and love people of all races. It’s an individual thing; don’t hate a whole race because of the actions of a few, or your ignorant upbringing.

-People who suck at their jobs. It’s YOUR JOB! You shouldn’t completely suck at it! Have some pride. You are there for 20-40+ hours a week, you should be able to do your job pretty decent by now.

-Undisciplined children. I actually hate the parents more in this case, but c’mon, keep that little fucker in line. You know what would do the trick? I surprise beating from a complete stranger! Just let me pop that little bastard once and they’ll learn.

-The complete butchering of the English language. I admit, I’m not English major, and I do throw out some slang, Ebonics, broken dialog every now and then. But I know some people that continuously destroy the very foundation language were built upon. I even question some of their literacy. How some of these people squeeze past second grade had is beyond me. “I noe dis iz da kewl wae 2 rite, but it maks ma sond lik a idiot”

-Soulja Boy Tell’em.

-People talking about their swag too much. Honestly, when I hear swag, I think “free shit!” So, are you really bragging about your free shit? Oh, and "Pretty Boy Swag"? C'mon. are you serious? Since when was it okay for dudes to call themselves "pretty"?

-Kids bragging about what they have because their parents are wealthy. That’s like a fat chick bragging about how big her tits are. Yeah you have it, but is it really something you should be proud of?

-Guidos. They all look like the same asshole on repeat. Spiked hair, tanned, and buff more than they really need to be. Most of the time, their muscles are for not, because they can’t fight. They usually come from wealthy parents, and are complete douchebags.

-The term "Hardbody"

I'm sure there are many other things too....I guess I'll just update my list when they come to me.

Welcome to my world.....

So, I'm not even sure where to begin with this. You see, I had been a blogger in the past. I had years of blogs.....and lost them all. Why? Because they were on Myspace. And Myspace erased my profile without warning, and in doing so, deleted my hard work. That, for some reason, turned me off from wanting to blog. But then I had no where to vent, share my stories, make my observations, or reach out to my readers. So, I dabbled through other sites here and there. Posting a few, then deleting them. The passion was gone. I was finished. I no longer had it in me.

Now, here I am, two years later. Determined to not let Tom and his Myspace goons defeat me (like Facebook did to them!). I am starting up again! This time, I will be wiser. I will save copies of my blogs. I will post more often. I will write bigger and better blogs! I will overcome this setback!!!!

For the new readers. I hope you hang with me for a bit. Get to know me. Give me a chance to win you over. I may say some things you do not like or agree with. But that is just me. I keep it honest. I am sometimes out there. Let me know what you think. I'm all about interaction. Let's have some fun.

Well, now that that's out of the way......let's get to blogging!!!!!