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Friday, November 26, 2010

Who brings a dead deer in for service?

So, some filthy redneck motherfucker decided to bring their car in for service at the car dealership that makes me work for slave-wages. The reason I call the motherfucker a redneck? Because the motherfucker had a dead deer chilling in his backseat. Yes, you read that correctly, a DEAD motherfucking deer in his back seat!!!! WHO DOES THAT? A motherfucking redneck, that’s who. Now, I know I’ve dropped quite a few MF bombs so far in this blog, and that’s because, when it happened, that’s exactly what I was doing…..dropping a bunch of MF bombs. It’s crazy to think someone would do that. How do you not drop that shit off before your oil change? What part of that person’s brain thought that it would be alright to roll through with the carcass of a dead animal just chilling, dead eyes staring, in the backseat? It was morbid to say the least….

Seriously, I’ve seen some disgusting things in my day. A person crushed by a helicopter, someone puking on another person, fat chicks nekkid during the day…… but nothing was as disgusting and unexplainable as this. At first, I didn’t think it was real. I thought that it may be a Christmas decoration for a Santa display or something….but it wasn’t. One of my co-workers poked it…..with his finger. Ugggghhhhh………

I’m just saying, when you bring your car in for service, be aware of what you have in your vehicle, because I will judge you by it. And this dude is a motherfucking REDNECK!!!!!!

Oh, and here's a few pics taken of the poor bastard in the backseat....just so you know I'm not making this shit up for entertainment purposes......

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Grope-gate 2010

Am I the only one that WANTS to travel via air now-a-days? Since this whole TSA grope-gate thing has hit the news, I’ve wanted to go to LaGuardia Airport for a pat-down complete with a happy ending. The pics they have been releasing have been hilarious! TSA agents all in the asses of poor travelers. And the look of uncomfortable painted all over the victims faces. They all look like they are going to go cry in a shower after such an intrusive pat-down.

This is one of those cases that I can argue both sides of the fence. I mean, if the pat downs weren’t so in-depth, and a plane blew up, then TSA would hear from everyone how they should be stricter and check people more thoroughly. But then on the other side, a little privacy is needed. I mean, we are in the USA where people have rights. And these TSA agents are getting in places that only your doctor or lover usually goes.

I personally can’t book a flight soon enough! I need my nuts juggled by someone soon. I might just go to the airport with those break away warm-up pants, and rip those badboys off when I get up there. I need someone to be behind me with a porn soundtrack blaring from an Ipod with speakers or something to get the full effect of it. Get my little pre-groping dance going…. Would that embarrass the TSA people? Maybe. But it’ll be more than worth it. I’d be standing there, nuts swinging, waiting for my exam.

A guy I work with said that they should limit their searches to just Arabs. As if the Arabs cannot recuit other races to strap bombs to themselves. Anything is possible. My whole thing is this. If they really want to bring a plane down, they will find a way, no matter what measures we take. It’s unfortunate, but true. Like drugs, we have numerous measures taken to secure the borders and sniff them out, but the bad guys always find a way. I have no answer to terrorism, and I doubt anyone does. It’s a part of life now. Unless we send Special Ops in and systematically snipe every single one of these motherfuckers, it’s going to be around until the end of times.

So, until then, we must endure some groping and nut juggling and enjoy it. Have fun with it while you can, because soon the airports are going to start charging more for the handjobs the TSA guys are handing out…….

Keith Smash....

It has come to my attention that I’m evil as hell when I’m mad at someone. Now, don’t get me wrong, it takes A LOT for me to get mad. I’m usually light-hearted and fun. I don’t stress about money and all the other small things in life. Most things in life I can laugh off or ignore. But when something finally hits a nerve….watch the fuck out!

I felt like I kinda had this problem a while back. But didn’t realize to what degree this anger was. Someone once described it as a Banner to Hulk type transformation, without the smashing and army tanks being thrown, of course. I, for some reason, can shut someone out completely. And my only issue is, the closer the person is to me, the more I shut them out. Weird, right? I once avoided any contact with my own mother for over a month over something I felt was a breach in our trust. It was really fucked up. I understand that after the fact, but during, you couldn’t tell me nothing.

And sometimes, I don’t even have to be directly involved in the situation. If I feel like someone is fucking over someone close to me, I get the same way towards them, like it’s some sort of emotional conductive passing what should be their anger to me. Is that crazy? It has to be. And if the person close to me keeps letting it happen, I act like it’s some sort of betrayal. Like I’m disappointed at them…..

I know a lot of this stems from two things. My loyalty, which is a downfall of mine, I’ve been too loyal to a fault. And, of course, my stubbornness, which is ANOTHER downfall of mine. And combined, can be explosive. But I suppose the first step towards fixing a problem is recognizing the problem. And now that I’ve have it narrowed down, it’s time to patch it up…..before I rip someone’s motherfucking arms off and beat them to death with them……..

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What's a "Best Friend"?

What’s with everyone’s need to declare someone else their “best friend”? I’m sick of hearing it. Especially, when one person introduces multiple people as their best friend. How can you have more than one BEST friend? Only one can be THE best, right? You don’t see the 2nd or 3rd best of anything declaring themselves the best, do you? Ok, I guess I can throw in an exception. If you are a group of say 3 or 4 that are ALWAYS together, I can get it. But I’ve been called someones “best” friend, then hear them introduce someone else as their “best” friends as well. Fuck you with your false build me up!!

It’s even worse when I hear someone talk about their best friend and find out that they haven’t talked to that person in months, or even years sometimes. How can that be? Do they automatically claim the title forever? Can you be “Grandfather claused” into bestfriendhood? It’s as if you don’t realize that people change. People grow apart. You don’t even hang out with your best friend? Why not? Could it be that you have NOTHING in common? And they only care about you from a distance because they can’t tolerate you in person any longer? Sure, a text here, a phone call there can fill the quota to maintain the top dog staus on someone’s friend list.

Me? I have no best friend. I don’t feel like any one person I know stands out from the pack….as small as said pack may be. If something big happens in my life, the only place I can share it is on Facebook to 150 or so people that couldn’t care any less. There’s not one number on my phone, save my mom perhaps, that I can call. Why? Because I don’t think I know someone well enough to be THAT person. And I know damn well know one knows me enough to declare me that person.

Sure, once upon a time, I had a best friend. I prefer the term “closest friend”. We were tight for 20 plus years. I’m the Godfather of his daughter….whom I haven’t seen in many, many years. But I cannot say that, on this day, he’s my top friend. Shit, I have only spoken to him once in 4 years. And I was in NY for almost a year before he called saying “Yo, I just heard you moved to NY”. I would still do anything for the dude, but I’m that way for any of my friends. I’m just loyal to a fault in that way. But, if asked, I couldn’t continue to put the “Best Friend” title on it.

And you know another thing about the whole “Best Friend” thing? The term BFF. Ugh….. it really makes me want to punch a baby every time I hear it. And I’ve heard dudes use the term, which makes me want to tear up their “man card” right in front of them, and their disgraced parents…….

So, what in your mind would make you consider someone your best? I’d like to hear from you…..the one or two readers. Debate.

Monday, November 15, 2010

No direction....

Another day, another blog. I finally got around to reading my previous blogs, and I realize that my blog site has not rhyme or reason to it. It’s just random. Some funny, and some are not. Different topics, or sometimes just ramblings. But that’s what you get when you have someone writing off the top of their heads with little to no proofreading. I have thought about becoming serious about blogging a few years back. But I don’t have the patience to sit and narrow myself into one category. That, in my mind, is not what blogging it about. I just sit with an open page and begin typing. Whatever comes out, is exactly what you read before you. My page isn’t for everybody. I just do this to vent, really. It helps me ease my mind. I don’t really talk to people on a personal level off-line, so I get it out online. Why don’t I? Because, who cares?

Every once in a while someone will catch me off guard with a personal question, or ask my opinion on a serious matter, and I don’t know how to respond. It doesn’t happen often enough for me to be used to. So I usually reply with a half-assed, sarcastic remark and hope it passes as an answer in the mind of the person asking. For example, someone asked me to describe my “perfect woman”. Ok, I know all the qualities I would like in a woman, but to describe my “perfect woman” is difficult. Are we talking physical features? Well, if I say brunette, does that mean I wouldn’t date a blond? Well, how about personality traits? That’s a tough one too, because I prefer a woman that can tolerate sports and have fun at events, but it’s not a deal breaker. So to answer the question, I just blabbed out some dumb shit in hopes that it passes and we can move on to the next topic. I usually answer with the ol’ “boobs and a heartbeat” requirements, and end it at that. And if they press on, I add “no penis too”. Because, in my mind, a perfect woman would start with those traits…….

So, the point of this rambling here is this, what would you, my only reader, want me to blog about? Is there any topic that you’d like to read my thoughts on? Would you like more structure to this piece of shit site? You let me know……

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Life is good...greed? Not so much.....

Life is awesome. Everything about it is awesome. The sights, the smells, the feel….. I mean, what’s not to like? The only people that don’t love life are the ones consumed by greed. Greed is the biggest nemesis of happiness. If it’s a material greed, such as not having the nicest home, best car, jealous of someone else’s possessions. Or an emotional greed, such as someone not agreeing with you, feeling ignored, or you’re poor little ego is hurt. Toughen up fuckers. Be glad you’re alive. You can change most of your outcomes…..other than death, really.

Look at life at the largest scale. What is ruining the world? Greed. People at war over oil, due to the money behind it, and power it holds. I’m sure that the world generates more than enough natural resources that every nation can ration it out and there not be a problem. For example, this past summer, BP dropped MILLIONS of gallons of oil into the ocean, not from the Middle East, but from right off our own fucking shore. We don’t NEED the Middle East oil….we just WANT it. We want control of it. For power….. greed.

Others war over religion. That’s emotional type greed to me. Who gives a fuck if someone else doesn’t believe in your made-up philosophies and Gods? We’re all going to die eventually, so live YOUR life the way YOU deem best. Stop worrying about if someone else agrees with your every belief. I swear, these bible thumpers piss me off more and more each time they push their “Where are you going to go when you die?” bullshit on me. How am I to answer that? I don’t fucking know. NOBODY knows. There is no right or wrong about it, just a big question mark. So stop trying to change everyone’s views to match yours for your own self-satisfaction….

Now, in everyday life, I see people getting bent all out of shape with some simple shit. Like, I don’t have this car….I don’t have this home…..I don’t have this man/woman…..and its sick. Are you serious? That makes you so miserable? How? Ok, I can see being a little sad or upset for a minute. Shit, we’re all humans. But I see some people straight up HATING life over simple shit. Unless someone close to you died or is extremely sick, get over that shit. Seriously. It’s not worth spoiling all the good that’s going on over it.

You have the ability to make your life the way you want it, yet spend time dwelling on your have-nots. Enjoy what you do have! I haven’t made the best life decisions. I’ll tell you that all day. But I am happy. I feel the choices I made enabled me to have the people I have in my life here, enjoyed the laughs that I had with people that I haven’t have met otherwise. I’ve been able to see things that I otherwise wouldn’t have seen, done things I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to do. I’m pretty sure that I could have been rich by now had I made some different choices. As a matter of fact, I KNOW this. I’ve blown opportunities. But you know what? I am not 100% sure I would have been as happy had I gone those routes. I can’t say either way. I did what I did, and what’s done is done.

Basically, what I’m saying is love life, no matter the circumstances you’ve put yourself in. If you lost your legs, be glad you don’t have to stand in lines….if you lost your sight, be glad you don’t have to see my ugly mug. Just make the best out of every situation. Stop letting your materialistic and emotional greed hold you back from seeing what is great….life.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Can Jersey's whole Shore just wash away?

Fuck the whole Jersey Shore phenomenon. Seriously. It’s part of what’s wrong with our country. We give shine to tools and idiots. And we suppress those that have things important and worthwhile to say. Ever since this show was puked upon our televisions, I was perplexed as to why people liked it. I refused to even give it a shot. And up until recently, the only part I’ve ever seen was when the character Snooki got a well deserved punch to her orange pumpkin-like head.

I asked a few people why they liked it. The best answer I got was from these two black dudes I work with who love the show. They said “We like it because they are the n***as of the white people. And we don’t see enough of that”. I can’t argue why they like it….. We, as people, are drawn to train wrecks. And even more so if the people wrecked are those we prey to see fall. Like, I hate guidos and tools. And that show is chock-full of nothing but them. They are disgusting and vile. Fuck you, your orange tans and your spiked hair. Ass clowns…..

But the route of my hatred for them dives even deeper than that. I hate when people become popular and rich off being completely worthless. Like, what do they contribute to the world? They have ZERO talent. They aren’t funny. They aren’t creative. They are rich off of NOTHING! They bring less to the table than a bag full of shit. At least a bag full of shit can be used as fertilizer…..

That’s something that irritates me to the max. That is why I loath most reality shows. They encourage people to suck at life. They give money and fame to the undeserving. I run into struggling, yet much funnier, talented, and creative people in my everyday life than most of these “reality” stars. And what sucks is that the masses eat that shit up! Why? I actually say down and watched an episode finally….not by choice. My roommate is one of the masses consumed by this turd of a show. And you know what? The show was not funny…amusing…thought provoking….interesting. Nothing. It was a house full of dickheads arguing and fighting over nothing. I can get that anywhere. I don’t need to tune in and make them rich from it.

And how does someone like Snooki get on the show? She’s one of the most disgusting looking and acting people to grace the Earth. She’s a square pumpkin, with about as much brains as one too….. I honestly throw up on the inside a little everytime she is shown on tv. And what’s up with her mouth? I would rather watch brain surgery than watch her speak. It’s just not right……

I just cannot wait for their 15 minutes are up and they go the way of Tom Green…….

I need a check up.....

I need to see a doctor. I haven’t been to one for a check up in a good 10 years. Not that I’m scared of them. It’s more about a time/money thing. Well, before it was a time thing. But this year, I’ve been paying for health coverage. I’d like to say it’s a time thing….but I sit here today like I have many other days with plenty of time. So, really, I have NO idea why I don’t go. Even when I’m sick, I don’t go. A few weeks ago, I legit thought my roommate poisoned me on purpose to be funny….because her hate for me would allow me to believe something like that to be true, I STILL didn’t go. I would have rather suffer and die than go. Ends up, she didn’t poison me. But still, what prevented a simple visit? Just a “Yo, what’s wrong with me, doc?” visit would have been quick and painless. Well, less painless than what I was in due to the illness.

I think it’s the inconvenience of it all that drives me away. Like, you can call up, set a time and date, get there on time, and you’d still have to wait……. Ok, it wasn’t like I showed up out of the blue. You expected me here at this exact time! How am I waiting up to 45 minutes? It’s bullshit! Or another great one is when you are hurting and they don’t have an opening for another 4 days or so…. Ok, push back on of these old farts that you give a routine ass exam to every other week and get me in there, doc!!!

The worse is the whole “referral” process. Like, your ass is bleeding. You know your ass is bleeding and you need to see an ass doctor. But in order to see the ass doctor, you must first see your regular “all-i-can-do-is-take-your-temp-and-give-you-asprin” doctor first. Then THEY have to give you permission to see the ass doctor that you knew from the beginning you needed to see. Why? Let me cut out the middleman! This process can take up to a week. And if your ass is bleeding, you don’t really have a comfortable week to give!

So, until I can deal with the run around and hassle…..or someone finds me dying in a ditch somewhere. I’ll just keep going to Dr. CVS and medicate from there.

That’s Just the Kind of Place This is

So, I moved into a new place. No longer am I banished to a window-less, basement studio apartment in the middle of Long Island. I now reside in a second floor, large 2 bedroom apartment in Queens. There are huge differences. I now have a roommate. I now have to find parking. I am close to the subway which is a few short stops from Times Square. Everything is walking distance. It’s like a whole new world than before.

Living with a roommate is something I haven’t really done since my military days. So that takes some getting used to. I have a female roommate, which is also strange to some. Of course when people find out my roommate is a girl, I get the same two questions: Is she hot? And have you “hit it”? I have no idea how either of those questions matter in the life of the person asking. I always have the same answer. “Yes, she is very hot. And no, I have not slept with her”. And I’d like to say it’s just dudes asking, but it’s any and everybody. I guess it’s in human nature to be curious.

I’ve at least known the roommate for a few years before moving in, so it wasn’t like I moved in with a complete stranger. That is usually weird. I at least knew the person that will co-exist in my world. Although it is much different than I thought it would be. When I first moved, I figured it would be one of those “I barely even see that other person” type deals. But we hang out all the time. Like imagine dating someone, but with a stunt-cock that comes over to handle the “intimate” parts. Fuck it, I get to enjoy the cooking, which, in my mind, is a win for me! She hates me and thinks I’m a disgusting creep (who can blame her?) but we have a good time. At least I think so…. I’ve blown off hanging with chicks I have a chance of hooking up with just to hang with the roomie…. Who’d have thought? Ahhh well……

My greatest concern when moving to Queens was the parking. Parking out in Long Island was easy. There was always a spot right in front of my place. No worries. Now, it’s a gamble. Having a nice spot has factored in my “Am I going anywhere” decisions. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be, I’ve only had to park off my street about once a week ….and that was like the next street over. But I was ticketed twice my first week….I had to learn somehow. I have piss balloons on stand by for the next time I get a ticket though…..

Our apartment is not for the faint of heart though. It looks nice. The roommate put enough of a “woman’s touch” on it to make it look respectable. But, honestly, leave your dignity at the door. We have a blow up doll named Lola that chills with beads around her neck. Panties hanging from a ceiling fan. A frat house type of refrigerator. A holder of suspect brownies…..let’s just say, tread carefully in our domain. It’s not a place for the easily offended. Weird shit has happened here and will probably continue to, especially if you take into account our combined love of FourLoko. And the only explanation we can give is “That’s just the kind of place this is”. I can’t get into details due to our “Fight Club/Las Vegas” type of code. But the place is fun. That much we can tell you.

I'm back....and winter is too.....

I’m baaaaack!!!!

I just saw that my last blog was August 5th. Damn….that was a while ago. But I noticed no ones been here, so it really doesn’t matter, right? If a blog is up, and no one reads it….does it really exist? Anyways, so much has changed, yet has been the same since my last blog. I’m still single and ugly as fuck, but my location has changed. I brought my ugliness closer to NYC. But I’ll get into that in another blog…..

So, today is the first day that I recognize winter. Why is that? Fucking snow…..yes, it’s arrived. Only flurries in my area, but areas close by already has the angels dandruff sprinkled upon the streets. I like having seasons and all, but I hate having to drive to work in the snow. That is my only beef with it really. Some people crawl along the highway at 20mph….then others buzz by going 80, spin out of control, and their accident, while deserved, hold people up even longer. People need to learn how to just drive in the weather. Other than that, it’s not bad. I like to stay hibernated up, warm, in the home watching movies drinking soul warming alcohol while the snow lays a thick blanket on the homeless and less fortunate…….

The only glitch in my previous statement is how cold my apartment is. It’s a decent size spot, so it’s airy. And we have plenty of windows….and no control of the heat. My landlord said something about keeping it about 72, but I think he has dyslexia. It feels like it’s a nut-shriveling 27 degrees in this bitch. This isn’t going to do. I would spring for a space heater, but my roommate would rip my head off if she caught me with it….yeah, I’m on some prison shit here sometimes… Maybe I’ll sneak one in….

Maybe to off-set the coldness, I’ll just up my alcohol intake.

What’s going to suck is when I have to shovel my car out. That’s something I dread. Especially around these here parts. I know parking is going to be a bitch too. When you have on-street parking, and it snows, people just dig enough for their car to get out. That leaves huge snow mounds between cars, and eventually you lose like 10 parking spots per street due to snow mounds. It’s becoming clear to me that I need to invest in a monster truck……