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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Blog Envy is a bitch.

I think I'm starting to develop "blog Envy". It's true. I go to many peoples blogs and am a fan of many of them. And I noticed a few differences between thiers and mine. First, they are fairly consistent in thier posts. Usually the same basic topics and writting style. Me? Not so much. I bounce around more than the popular girl at a football meeting. I think I need to narrow it down. See what I want out of my blog. Be focused.

Another thing is setup. I think I need to create my own page. Get a web designer. Make my shit look badass!!! Maybe make a game or something to keep you, the reader, entertained.

And the last thing is readers. I don't think I have many. I mean, every once in a while, I run into someone who throws out a "Hey, read your blog". Usually it's said with the "I'm cutting into an onion" face, but I'm glad they took time to stop in. But my blog has been up for many moons, and I only have TWO people subscribed! And ZERO comments. If you don't like a blog, say so. If you do like it, contribute. It can be fun! Maybe it'll inspire you to create a blog for me to ignore.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The world of Twitter.....

I've been into the online world a bit these past few years. And one of the creations that I hesitated into getting was Twitter. At first, I shunned it. Then I stuck my toe in a little to get the feel. Then I dabbled in it here and there. Now, I've embraced it for what it is...a portal to chuck out random thoughts and opinons without care. I have tweeted up to 80 times in one day. I go from fun-loving, to thoughtful, to plain ol' depressing..... Some tweets don't make any sense, even to me. Somedays I just spend responding to other people's tweets. I can't really describe what I do on Twitter. But I've thrown together a few tweets from December that have been retweeted or commented on. If you care to jump into the twitter world, and wanna see what goes on in the head of a looney, depressed, bi-polar idiot, feel free to follow me at @KeithABrockman

Oh, BTW, the whole term "follow" is creepy to me. If I were to follow you on the streets, I'd get called a creep. Why is it any different on the internet?

If I'm at your house, and I see you wipe a booger on any furnature, Don't be offended when I just get up and walk out

I know some dudes who pretend to be gay just so girls don't mind them touching thier titties in the club. Slick move, but I can't do it....

I like to walk into a crowded mens room and ask aloud "Who wants to swordfight?" To date, I have had no challengers.....

This dude is quite the nerd...his asscrack is probably calloused from all the wedgies he's had to endure....but probably will be rich by 40.

Everytime I see that Situation dude, his face reminds me of when Will Smith's charecter had an allergic reaction in the movie "Hitch

I need a job like the Transporter. Wait....that'll be called truck driving......Nevermind

It's become clear to me that I need more stripper friends.

Twitter spambots make me wanna choke life out of the human race

I like when sluts sprain their ankles on their walks of shame.....just to add pain to their lack of self-respect

Not to be crude or dramatic, but if I don't get titties in my face soon, I'm going to start questioning my own existence.....

How do porcupines fuck? They must get needle'd up!

I need to go back to Skytell pager and a roll of quarters. Life was easier those days.

Stroke of genius or a stroking genius? Hmmmm.....

Are the clouds in the sky the same ones all the time? Or do some disappear and others appear? I need a cloudologist for this....

I'm gonna see if I can drive all the way home from work in reverse.

I'd be pissed if I had an ugly child. Unless it was so ugly it was cute, then I could deal....until it was a teenager, then kick it out.

How do I incorporate a handjob into my work schedule?

You know what would be ultra-epic? A midget slumpbuster......

Do you think Big Bird ever got pissed at Oscar the Grouch, and just tipped that motherfuckers can over on him?

I see a slow day of work ahead of me....hopefully a tornado runs thru this place to shake things up a bit....

Would telling a customer to "Eat a dick and swallow the load" get me fired? If so, I might have a loooong afternoon ahead of me....

I love my lunch today....if my lunch were a person, I'd have tantric style sex with it.

Somedays, I wish one of my legs were about 5 inches shorter than the other so I'd have a natural pimp-walk.

I get TIGHT when a dude puts a smiley face in a text to me. Don't do that shit....

I think I'm gonna piss my pants just for a quick sense of warmth.....

Then to celebrate. Imma get a blow job from a penguin.

Is heroine a good pain reliever? I gotta get my tonsils taken out and searching for the best way of getting thru it.

For real, Imma keep watering my Xmas tree and see if we can keep this bitch year round.....fuck, paid good money for it!

#itsallfunandgamesuntil the doctor has to remove the hamster from your rectum

This kid in front of me has the most caveman-esque unibrow growling across his forehead, but he won't sit still long enough to sneak a pic

The room is spinning, obviously I'm not winning

There's either a rat or a homeless person trapped in my wall....

@jesus You should come thru and beat Santas ass in front of everyone to show who really owns this holiday season.

I am due for a name change. I'm tired of "Keith"

If you knew what I was listening to right now on Youtube, you would judge me in the harshest of ways........

Terms that make me wanna puke: "Going Ham", "Going Hard in the Paint", and "Hardbody".... "Swag" is steadily creeping onto the list

My roommate thinks its perfectly acceptable to throw up to make more room to finish a meal.....I beg to differ.

For the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, give a Japanese woman a pearl necklace.....USA....USA....USA!!!!

I hope Santacon is really a mass-suicide this year. Everyone attending can kill themselves......

I would seriously tongue-punch a fat girls fartbox for a bucket of KFC right fucking now!

I swear I wanna choke this old dude that works with me with his fucking phone cord.

Damn, Jets cost me $40 on their bullshit tonight......fuckers. I'm sending Sanchez an invoice for it.

If my nose is this stuffy tomorrow, I'mma light a motherfucking firecracker in it

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Women are crazy with thier games....

I now realize that women are crazy….okay, not all women, but most have to be. Over the past few nights, I was looking for tips to dating, since I’m a loser at the dating game. I asked two very attractive, smart women that have great personalities, since those are the types of girls I’m into…..and they both basically told me the same thing.

In short, they like a guy to not seem too into them at first, and make them feel ignored, because “girls like what they can’t have”….and then they said they like a guy to take control and be aggressive and make moves on them first to so solidify the “dating”. Ummm…they basically described a rapist to me. But I digress…..

My biggest concern, other than the rapist undertone of course, is how what they want/expect a guy to do are COMPLETE opposites of each other! SO, they basically left me at square one. Thanks ladies.

Let me break it down a bit. I’m the type of guy who likes to hang out with a girl, go places and get to know her, then let HER dictate if it goes any further from there. These two said that’s a bad move, you’ll fall into the dreaded “Friend Zone” , which many men have fallen into, and few, in not none, have returned……

But I feel if you come on too strong, you come off creepy and desperate. And I feel like if you hook up before really getting to know someone, you’re basing your whole relationship off of the fact that you two have sex….and sex feels better than anything, so you’d ignore that you can’t tolerate the other person, or have nothing in common, as long as at the end of the day you get sex. But the euphoria of having sex with one person wears off if you have no common bonds. That’s why divorce and cheating are high. Trust me on this one…… That’s why I’m picky about who I am with now-a-days. I’d hate to waste out time. And I’d hate to break a girl’s heart when she realizes that this ugly dude, who’s amazing in the bed ;-), is moving on due to lack of common interests and boring out-of-bed life.

But my approach is too honest. Too slow for most woman. I like to get to know them. And by then, I’m in the “Friend Zone”. And the worse part….. They say “Keith, you’re a good guy” shortly followed with something similar to “I don’t wanna ruin our friendship”. Look, if I’m ugly, I would rather you tell me I’m ugly or you don’t find me attractive. At least then I know the reason we aren’t dating…..

Maybe they feel they’d offend me if they called me ugly. Then I might not do the nice things I do for them. Makes sense, right? Damn, women are tricky…. I’m starting to realize, women play games. And they love to. They revel in the games. They complain about guys playing games, but guys are far from game players. They fall into two categories: Men who wanna fuck everything that moves, and genuine nice guys. And telling them apart is EASY AS HELL! But girls never wanna listen to me, so I’m not going to waste the keystrokes here….. Fuck you all and your games, I hope you keep running into the category one guys until you’re too old to want.

Wow, that took an ugly turn……

Monday, December 13, 2010

My roommate guest blogging

Iu have a guest blogger today. My roommate sharlene. Im sdrunk and I think keith is that man. Hes my favorite. But I don’t know how he deals with me. Because I’ve been told numerous of times that im hard to deal with and stubborn and “high maintance:

Santa who?

What’s up with this holiday season? I mean, it’s the same every year, but this year I’m especially annoyed by it. Probably because I’m being forced into the holiday spirit by my roommate….she hates me and tortures me at any opportunity. We’ve got our Xmas tree, and I begun decorating it with beer and 4Loko cans (because that’s what I do). I still don’t see the point in chopping down a tree, putting it in your house for a month, then throwing it away. I’m growing attached to the sucker, and I’m going to keep watering it and see if I can keep this motherfucker all year…..fuckit, I paid good money for it. I’m gonna get my moneys worth…….

And what’s with this Santa character? Isn’t Christmas about that Jesus fellow? Yeah, the Indian dude that America turned white….because in the part of the world he was supposed to born in is filled with NOTHING but camel-jockeys! Who doesn’t realize this? Yes, I said it….the man you call Jesus would have a hard time getting through the airport, and make you uncomfortable on the plane. Fucking American religious assholes…..

So, in my opinion, yesterday should have been Jesuscon in NYC, and everyone should have dressed up as him instead. THAT would have been the correct holiday spirit. Me? I’d have dressed up like the Grinch and used a paintball gun on them suckas to bring my own little Christmastime joy. I don’t need a reason to get hammered. And I sure as hell don’t have to dress up like a fat old pedophile to do so either.

Sluts make me wanna vomit

People that have known me for a while know that I have a great deal of disgust towards sluts. I joke about it from time to time, but in reality, I have a deep-rooted hatred for them. I have for a long time. It’s quizzical how I’ve become to loathe them so much. I’ve had many female friends in my day, and the ones that become sluts lose respect from everyone. Friends, family, future boyfriends…… They don’t realize it because everyone is quiet about it, trying to be nice, but they are talked about behind their backs. Guys are friendly towards them because they are easy conquests, not because they have kick-ass personalities. If a dude one-night stands a girl, you better believe he’s telling EVERYBODY about it in detail. And from there, you’re open game for any dude that caught wind of your easiness. That’s why most sluts are “popular” and get invited to any event alcohol is at. Dudes know that makes most of the challenge taken up already, and if cards are played right, easy lay.

I think of it this way, partners to a chick is like miles on a car. Sure you got a new car, but if it has 100,000 miles on it, it’s gonna be all broken down and used up. But if you have an older car with less miles, that’s a keeper! And what do I constitute as a slut? Well, I usually go by this: Partners > Age = slut. So if you’re 22 and slept with 22+ dudes, you really need to get yourself checked…… Most people don’t start having sex until 15ish, so that’s 15 freebies that you can sprinkle throughout the years. Most use them up in their college years….

It’s crazy how delusional sluts are too. I mean, are you really that in need of love? What’s wrong with finding one guy to be with? Why lower your value by doing that to yourself? Because, believe me, no one wants to marry a slut. They might date you for a while, hoping to focus on the present and future, but the mans ego will take over, and the thought of “how many men have been in my girl” or “how can I trust a slut” will creep into the back of their heads. Next thing you know, they are scrambling for a good excuse to let the slut go without hurting her feelings. Last thing a dude wants is some drunken guy at the local bar yelling about how he “nailed your girl” one night without having to work for it. I’ve seen it happen, and it’s ugly…..

Yes, I can hear it now. The dreaded “double-standard”. I get that all the time, “why is it when a guy fucks a bunch of chicks, he’s a stud. But a girl does the same and she’s a whore?” Well, that’s explained simple as this. Women are in full control of sex. The whens, wheres and even hows. A man cannot just go out and fuck when and whoever he’d like. A man has to work for it. A man has to have the right look, personality, and approach. A woman? Just has to ask. If a woman goes out and asks 10 single men (or even married) if they’d like to have sex, at least 9 would say “yes”. A man can do the same, and get shot down by 9….and the slut would say yes, of course. Because I’m beginning to realize there is at least ONE slut to every 10 women. And, unfortunately, those numbers are growing steadily. More and more sluts roam the Earth each and every year. Each generation is sluttier than the previous…..Plus, women LET men get away with it. Women will still actively try and be with a man that they know gets around, while guys only look to bang and ditch girls that get around……

And what kills me, literally drives me insane, is when a girl with GREAT qualities becomes a slut. A beautiful girl with great personality can have any man she desires, but slums down to the slut-world for attention. Like, what the fuck is wrong with these women? You have ALL these great qualities, and you ruin it for some one-night stands and booty calls. Go out and get yourself a good man, make him work for it to prove he’s in it for you and not just the sex. Make yourself a better person! You’ll be happier that way.

I know that I cannot change a slut. I’m beginning to believe that once a slut, always a slut….. I don’t know if slutdom is cureable. Once you’re a member of the slut community, you stay. I wish it weren’t that way. But I fear it is.